--W093020--

some days everything is going fine and i feel incredibly motivated and excited about life and possibilities. and then theres times like this where i suddenly feel tired and irritable for no reason. things that i can usually shrug off with a positive attitude actually upset and annoy me. i dont really have an outlet either. sometimes i wish someone would care about me as much as i care about everyone else. i would (and have) drop everything to go out of my way if someone needed help. ive made sacrifices for small things just to make others lives a little bit easier when i could have easily said no. but that wouldnt make me feel good. i work my life around other people. if you want the lights on and you want to watch an entire movie with your friends on my tv in my room while its 1 in the morning and im trying to sleep, i'll just go get an eye mask and earplugs and say okay, sure. you need to finish a last minute project in a shop and you ask me to come because it would be easier if i helped? yeah, i'll just bring my laptop and work on my essay every 30 minutes for 5 minutes at a time while the paint dries. youre not having a good day? i will only do things you like and talk about things you like, even if i'm not that into it. you think you have a cold? let me bring you things and make you tea. you both are sick but are worried about something happening while you both sleep? okay. i feel sick with alcohol poisoning too but im not going to tell anyone and just sit and keep watch all night from 11pm to 6am and check on you both every 30 minutes to see that youre doing okay. i'll do it. i'll help. you can count on me. i want you to be happy! i need you to be happy otherwise why am i here. sometimes i wonder how much pain i have to endure before anyone else would do the same.

--W101420--

i wish you said "happy birthday". or "sorry about your cat". you know i always prepare for weeks in advance for your birthday and always care about you and your feelings about your cat